If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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