sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
