walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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