I just threw up on my dentist
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have tasted many bathrooms
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
