the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
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Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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