Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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