Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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