I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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