he puts the penis in happiness.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
But theres a keg here and me gusta
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
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