sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
