on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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