she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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