Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
