Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
