smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
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There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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