When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
