I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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