He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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