so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
