Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
