I hope mine doesn't look like that
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
