It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
