That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
