just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
