My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
