Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
