I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
