Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
