I want to have your abortion
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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