I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
