I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
