just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
