just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
is wine microwaveable?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
