It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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