Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
