Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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