got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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