My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
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did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
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not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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