If that was your dad, he is hot
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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