I heard we made out
her vagine was all disorganized.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
