my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
