Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
