If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
