I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
