Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
