I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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