Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....