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I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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