apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
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You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably