I got chris browned last night
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Two words: blizzard sex
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.