i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken