Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.