Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.