I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
