Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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