You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The best revenge is premature balding
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
