Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
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