Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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