At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
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Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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