five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
the liver wants what the liver wants
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
