Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
