So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
