A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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